How To Suck At Video Games

You may be wondering, "How can I fail to advance past the first few missions in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas?" While I can't necessarily answer that question, I can certainly show you.

The very first GTA: SA mission that actually involves a gun is called "Sweet's Girl." I think I attempted that mission about 37 times before I finally passed it. I knew I had to run over that bunch of dudes with a durable car, and let the car explode to take a few more out. I knew there was one additional guy standing on the stairs that I would need to shoot. I knew it represented a good opportunity to upgrade my gun. I knew that the gang cars would try to take me out on the way back.

And yet, it played out, time and time again - a Groundhog's Day scenario where the end result was a foregone conclusion: CJ is wasted. Again.

These games are designed for ten-year-olds (regardless of the rating on the box). If you play the missions over and over enough times, you will advance. But the number of times it takes you to finally get over the hump is a major clue to your video game suckitude. And I'm still in the very beginning of this game.

Don't even get me started on getting past the first privateer mission in Star Wars Galaxies: Jump to Lightspeed. I can't tell you how it's done. Feh.